Saturday, July 9, 2011

Applications Invited

Applications invited for the illustrious post of Boyfriend with Benefits * (hereafter shall be referred to as BB) of the amazing, enchanting, sensual, charming, smart, witty, humorous, mesmerizing, attractive, intelligent, pretty, ingenious, innovative, creative, stunning (yes, all this refers to one person) and awesome author of The25thHour.

* Benefits implies the benefit of the author of The25thHour, as opposed to the benefit of the elected Boyfriend

A. Eligibility
1) The applicant must be male, heterosexual and above 19 years of age by 1st October 2011.
2) Applicant must be employed in some way or the other, viz, studying or working.

Selection shall be done on merit basis according to the criteria enlisted in section C. Special consideration shall be given to ameer baap ki bigadi hui aulaad.

B. How to Apply
Interested candidates must apply via e-mail. The mail must contain the serial numbers of the criterion they satisfy. A full body photograph, with sparse clothing, must be attached. Further correspondence shall be made based on the performance of the candidate as determined by the selection process. The decision of the author is final and irrevocable. Any form of objection to the final decision shall be heavily penalized. (No boys....don't think handcuffs and whips! ;P) **

** thoughtful suggestion courtesy my dear friend, Nidhi Joshi :D

C. Method of Selection
Candidates clearing the cut off score of 60% of the total points shall be considered. The score of each candidate will be determined by the criteria enlisted below. Weightage of each criteria is stated against it.

1) Candidate must be obscenely rich, the more obscene the better. He must lavish me with presents of books, clothes, footwear, junk accessories, aesthetic accessories, expensive dinners, dates at posh places, etc. (15 points)
2) Must carry my bags, books and any other load that I happen to have at that time. (3 points)
3) Must be adept at making French...braids. (5 points)
4) Must have an immense interest in earrings. (4 points)
5) Must adore gol gappe and milkshakes. Noncompliance in either is intolerable. (2 points)
6) Must worship me in my non-groomed, ugly self. (15 points)
7) Must agree with whatever I say, must obey whatever I command, must provide whatever I demand. (3 points)
8) Must follow me like a slave, and must have the expression of a love-sick puppy on his face at all times. (2 points)
9) Must know how to drive, must own a car, must be available to chauffeur me anywhere I need to go, at all times. (20 points)
10) Must like Calvin & Hobbes. (10 points)
11) Must fall for it when I pretend to sulk, and must appreciate my efforts at making a baby face. (10 points)
12) Must consider it an honour to bring me ice candies. (5 points)
13) Must bring me flowers. Must not bring me flowers. (0 points)
14) Must bring me chocolates. Must bring me chocolates. (5 points)
15) Must be sexy, HOT, ravishing. (15 points)
NOTE:- It doesn't matter even if the candidate has a potato for a face. In all fairness, hotness evaluation will be done from toes to neck for all candidates.
16) Must pay my phone bills. (30 points)
17) Must pamper me. A lot. (30 points)
18) Must carry an umbrella. (10 points)
19) Must proclaim daily, "Archika, I am your greatest fan; you are the goddess of my destiny and fortune. I am your servant! Command me, my lady!". After this, must let his tongue hang out for a better effect. (12 points)
NOTE:- Every woman likes to be complimented, you know.
20) Must lie at my feet sometimes, to boost my vanity. I DESERVE IT!! (20 points)
21) Must know how to cook, clean and tend. (15 points)
22) Must know how to fight skillfully. (15 points)
NOTE:- The great author of The25thHour tends to boast herself into certain situations where you might be left alone to deal with a few meanies. All the best.
23) Must be a good masseur. (5 points)
24) Must dance well. All dance forms included. Good entertainment is expected of BB. This includes jokes, mimicry, making a fool of himself, etc. (10 points)
25) Must be blind towards other women. Must have HOT friends. (20 points)

(LIST SHALL BE UPDATED FROM TIME TO TIME. APPLICANTS ARE, THEREFORE, REQUIRED TO KEEP CHECKING)

D. Fees
No application fees is required. All money extraction shall be done during the period of the contract. Contract renewal will be done on a quarterly basis, depending on the performance of BB. Lootegi tumhari jeb aise, shareer se khoon choosta hai leech jaise. Wuhahaha! ;->

E. Important
Drop your queries in the 'Comments' section.

***GOOD LUCK***
Vote for me now!

19 comments:

  1. Being "the author's" very good friend...will consider applications for myself as well..second best would do :P
    NOTE : Conditions shall remain same. (except 13, I love flowers :D )

    ReplyDelete
  2. i like it XD n by the way i fail miserably :P

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  3. Better Archika...send this as a letter to Santa (Christmas presents are always what you expect them to be :P )..as for your efforts ..Good luck!!

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  4. if you are willing to "*compromise*".. we might get to a conclusion.. and a "heavy" compromise.. literally and metaphorically both..

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  5. No compromises and no conclusions. I alone decide..literally and metaphorically both..

    ReplyDelete
  6. I will make you an offer you can't refuse...
    Would like to hear my proposition?

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  7. Sure, you can mail it to me. Though I'm pretty sure your offer will be refused :p

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  8. I had a query, :P Why r u so humble in your needs? :P

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  9. great people are humble, my dear friend :P

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  10. This was epic!!! Now I know what i want out of life. :P

    ReplyDelete
  11. "Archika, I am your greatest fan; you are the goddess of my destiny and fortune. I am your servant! Command me, my lady!". After this, must let his tongue hang out for a better effect. :D :D

    I totally loved it!! Awesomely awesome piece. :) :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Welcome to the crazy fray ;) :D

    ReplyDelete

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