Ladification - I

Hulloh lovely readers! Muah, muah. I know how much you guys must have missed me. But you know how busy I usually am, don't you? :) Just wrapped up a photoshoot for Vogue and Maxim...I don't like to brag but the photographs are simply AMAZING! :) And had to really dodge Gudda..Rohit Bal you know, the poor guy wanted me to be the show stopper for his next collection. But I am so exhausted from overwork that I simply have to have a vacation with my Russian millionaire friend on his million dollar yatch. Its going to be so wonderful :D Ting-tong (door bell). Uh-oh...I wonder who's there...hmm, a package..oh no, another letter written in blood from one of my many anonymous admirers! It's all very sweet but these guys are really weird and silly haha :D

Bwahahahahaha! Snorting laughter! Laugh your as**s out! Isn't that the most incredible and funny thing I have EVER said!!! :D :p

The truth is, I belong to the privileged class of those few people who are utterly unbothered about their appearance. Every strand of hair on my head curling in contradicting directions, nails filled with cowdung, bringing up blackheads like my babies, perpetually covered with a microfilm of dust; that is just describing the days when I appear a tad bit "better" :p On my so-called bad-days (all days), I closely resemble Nakusha... :p When I wash my hair, I look like this:

And then like this:

Yeah right, keep up the goofy smile :p I remain unaffected. I will most often than not be the proud tomboy amongst a sea of pruned and groomed girls. The only thing I believe God created for comfort are a pair of jeans. Heels? Devil's creation. Cosmetics? Oh please, I'd rather save the Chinese from dragons while hanging from a cliff over boiling lava. Bracelets, pendents, accessories, what are they for? These things happily eluded me until the time for...hold your breath...LADIFICATION!!!

Let me elaborate.

Ladification # noun # verb: to ladify/ ladified/ ladifying. # adverb: ladily. # adjective: lady-like.

Definition: Ladification is the gradual and brutal process/ritual in which young innocent tomboyish girls are forced to change their ways in order to become a lady in their appearance, manners and conduct. Ladification is generally brought about abruptly, the irony lying in the fact that the victim is expected to adopt the changes as soon and as graciously as possible. The primary agents of ladification include peers (girls who started waxing their legs as soon as they grew out of diapers), friendly neighbourhood aunties (the ones that look like juicy cooked turkeys, the only difference is real turkeys don't apply deep magenta lipstick), relatives ("haye ni marjani, ab toh college mein aagayi hai, kam se kam ab toh ladkiyo jaise kapde pehen"), male classmates ("Dude, look at her legs and look at her legs"), etc.

Examples: 1) "Mrs. X's daughter is a teen now, it's high time we ladified her."

2) "Did you see Mrs. X's niece? She carries herself so ladily."

3) "You are right, her daughter is a junglee in comparison, nothing lady-like about her."

(Mrs. X in the above examples might be my mother :p)

So, though I knew about this cruel, highly prevelant practice, I never really had anything to worry about. Simply because I can be utterly stupid and absent-minded as and when it suits me :) For instance, in ninth standard, when Zahira came to show me her newly waxed legs, I just couldn't figure out what she was trying to show me. And no, I wasn't trying to be stupid, I really couldn't figure out what the big deal was. Not wanting to disappoint her eager face, I finally blurted out, "Wow...Zahira...you, er, look...um...FAIR!!!" Correct, that's what I said, that her legs looked 'fair' :p But she was a very sweet girl, she understood I had failed to notice, and kindly told me about waxing (that was how I became acquainted with the word and the procedure). And when she suggested me to undergo the same 'thing', I was horrified.

Zahira: "...so that's what it's all about. Don't I look nice? Why don't you get it done?"

Me: "Yeah, you look very pretty. But I really don't want to..."

Zahira: "Why? It'll be great! You must!"

Me:"No...I'm scared..."

Zahira:"Scared? Of your mum? C'mon!"

Me:"No idiot, I'm scared of the idea of a woman pulling hair out of my skin, and all that for the hair to grow back again! Now just SHUT UP!"

We reconciled soon :p

But the result of that incident was that the first time she had her brows threaded, the first time she had a facial, the first time she straightened her hair, the first time she bleached, the first time she strutted in heels, and the other first-times-that-are, she did not come up running to me eager with anticipation. It would be me who would finally notice when half the day had gone by and say to her, "Zahira, you look different, it's nice!" She would then smile, and then explain to me what was different. The truth is, I did need those explanations, because I never managed to figure out on my own what was different, other than the fact that something was different :p

That was how it was untill school, but college life brought a deadly shock.

(-to be continued)

The Joy Of Anticipation

The joy of a prayer being answered

Of a longing being fulfilled

Solitary moments coming to an end

The joy of distances being killed

The joy of a promise being honoured

Of destinies forever entwined

Drinking from the wisps of your fragrance

The joy of passions, strong and sublime

The joy of touching my dreams

Of a smile being smiled for real

Strolling together along boulevards

The joy of sharing the silent words

Life begins again only in your presence

The anticipation of a much-awaited arrival

The rest of my life unlived and still

Just trudging along for survival

Greatest is the joy of anticipation

Of happiness flooding once again

The joy of wishing and hopes soaring

Cherishing even the sweetness of your pain

The joy of being completed

Of peace and serenity

The joy when you say to me

Estoy enamorado de ti :)

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Back With A Bang

When DOS And I Talked

There are times when I feel completely off the hook. Which, in simple terms, means that I freak out completely and make the lives of my near and dear ones hell by going into compulsive talking mode. Those times are the ones when I feel so over-excited for no reason and that is followed by unadulterated jubiliation/sadness. Corazon and Mehr would know, for when I message them "Hey, guess what, I'm feeling drunk without drinking. So Talli :D Hehe", they know it signals trouble and they then suffer my persistent chatter. Well, whatever, I care for my fun alone :p

So yesterday was one such night when I had lost it completely. Well, no, I wasn't feeling tunn at all, but I had this irrepressible desire to talk to someone about nothing in particular, and the knowledge that the two jokers wouldn't be availabe only increased that desire exponentially. (Note: Rarely does it happen that I have the desire to talk just for the sake of it, because usually those urges are accompanied by main-talli-ho gayiii... :p) Anyway, with nothing particular to do, I decided to run MS DOS on my PC (I actually had two files and a project to submit immediately, but I was pretending not. I lost 20 marks today because of my laziness :D I'm so cool!). I was completely sure it wouldn't run given my brand new machine is from the zamana of Baba Aadam, but well, it did run!!! Somehow, instead of typing commands, I started doing something else and...I ended up having a nice little chat with DOS :p The following is the complete conversation between DOS and me. It is full of non sense, so please please please please DO NOT JUDGE ME FOR IT!! Every human succumbs to mistakes sometime or the other; I was being very kiddish last night. And it doesn't even seem so funny now, but I decided to post it anyway. Go ahead, have fun... :p

For your convenience, my part in the dialogue has been highlighted bold, rest of the words are what DOS said to me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Microsoft Windows XP [Version 5.1.2600]
(C) Copyright 1985-2001 Microsoft Corp.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>lol
'lol' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>haha i ws jst fooling wid u!!!
'haha' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>bah! u gt no sense f humour DOS...
'bah!' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>im jst ridculing u, do u need to be told the meaning f everything?? dats really gross :-/
'im' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>OMG!! nw u refuse to identify ME!!!!! hw cud u
do dis to meee????? *sob* *sob*
'OMG!!' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>u son of a bithch, OMG is Oh my god...dis tells
me dat ur not on facebook/orkut/myspace/chrome/dailyflog/or other stuff like dat and dats y u r not updated wid the latest lingo dude,...seriously DOS, ur so uncool,
dont u evr feel th need to go out there n make urslf noticd??? no seriously?
i mean look at ur half brother WINDOWS, he z so cool, ur a disaster DOS
'u' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>i just realized i misspelled bitch. im sorry.
so ur a son of a bitch. not son of a bithch. but it dsnt realy matter to u does
it?? bah!!
'i' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>duh..does ur vocabulary hav any words at all
DOS??? ur realy freaking me out
'duh..does' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>its okay, i know ur just pretending to not understand me. u knw im going thru one of my mood swings. or maybe im just once agn feeling drunk widout drinking?/(dats a talent f mine). or maybe im an alien. or
maybe in just a freak. watvr the case, u hv a good strategy DOS. its grt to
pretend to be ignorant. as i wlays say, ignorance is bliss.. so keep th cool okay?
bcoz very soon i'l go bak to b psuedo-normal again n go back to not talking to
stuff like DOS!
'its' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>im sorry, did i hurt ur feelings by calling u a
THING??? my bad. how could i do dat! let me make up to u. DOS i love u
'im' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>im is me DOS, i knw ur sick f my mood swings,
but it'd me nice fr u to atleast acknowledge my existence. but i forgive u. coz u
listen to me n let me talk to u DOS. DOS u myt nt b very cool but u hv a huge
heart. seriously.
'im' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>do u love me too DOS? i mean, how many ppl come n talk to u?? aren't u glad? u must have been deprived of company for ages. u r welcome :-*
'do' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>yeah, i knw 'do' wont b recgnized... i dnt wanna do nythng eithr, we'll just talk today okay?? we'll fuck u up some other time
n use ur commands wen im feeling mor normal. u love me?? i knw dat alrdy, so just shut up alryt!!
'yeah' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>u suck DOS. nw u dnt recognise 'yeah'. cant u
evn pretend to agree wid me? r u sch a male chauvnist pig? hv u evn noticd th
nmbr f spelling errors iv made? dnt u hv th courtsy to corect them on ur own? do u
nw realize y ur so uncool? WINDOWS ds al f it in WORD. u jst suck DOS. ur fucking jealous f ur half brother n u still cnt work up ur ass n do smthng abt it. no
wonder nobody loves u. n gues wat, i dont love u eithr. hah! eat potty now!!! u
sahn-ahf-ah-bahtch (dats son-of-a-bitch, if ur primitive mind couldnt understand
)
'u' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>bahahahahaha..wat els wud u do, u cnt take insult in ur face hahahaha!!!! al u cn do is go ovr n ovr o ovr agn n agn like a
parrot n say 'not recognised' 'not recognised' LOL. o hw i pity u hahah!! coz u gt
no answer to my accusations LOl.
'bahahahahaha..wat' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>its the laughter f victory DOS, wich u wont evr
get to xprnce coz im so fucking awesome
'its' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>potty u DOS
'potty' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>potty is the brown mass of indigestble stuff..o
i frgt ur jst an electronic manifestation of codes n cryptics n commnads n so u
nver tasted food n so u cant make potty of ur own. dats kind f sad. u dnt evn get to fart do u?? o poor u... dat cud b so mch fun. u shud realy taste food some
times. its osom! do u like mayonnaise??
'potty' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>leave potty now DOS. dnt mk ur heart sad over
it. but do u like mayonnaise? i like white mayonnaise more. i eat anything with
lemon/coconut/Shimla mirch/cream/mayonnaise in it, separately ofcourse
'leave' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>DOS im an incredible cook. dd u knw dat? so u
knw it now. i'l mk u smthng sometime okay? u'l love it. so wat do u like more DOS? undercooked food or burnt food? im an expert at both. u r welcome. i cn evn microwave th food fr u, if u order frm outside. dat wud b a btr option. u r welcome again.
'DOS' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>for-fucking-sake, DOS is u!! duh. LOL so u wr
so lost in the wonders f my food dat u forgot urself hmm? hahaha :) i like it.
'for-fucking-sake' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.


C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>now dont get naughty alryt, fuck is to..well, u
Knw... y cant u ask WINDOWS? im sure he must hv fuckud many virgin PC's. he goes into al f them LOL. bloody international thok-er hahahah
'now' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>now, no dont do it now! ul hav to find a miss
DOS first, if ur not gay that is. i'l help u set up with a pretty babe okay? ask
everybody, im an expert at helping ppl hook up LOL
'now' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>not now okay. listen to mommy. n wen u hook up,
do take precautions okay? ajkal duniya bahut kharab hai beta...
'not' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>good. not now :)
'good.' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>good yes :)
'good' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>stop repaeating after me!!!!
'stop' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>STOP!!!!
'STOP!!!!' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>this is not done DOS, i come to u to talk coz i
gt no one else to eat thier ears n this is wat u do to me? is this how u treat
ur frinds? do u want to b lft alone agn? shall i go bak to WINDOWS. we need to sort out the issues okay?
'this' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>u knw wat, im not taking anymore shit from u. u
suck dude. totally. ur such a lujjer
'u' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>lujjer. lujjer. lujjer. i hope ur babe is a
direct spin-off frm a K-serial. n she elopes wid WINDOWS. dat'l serve u ryt. n ul b
uncle to thier kids hahaha. n ul take them to and from the server to take their
lessons. n ul babysit them wen ur ex-babe n WINDOWS r off agn on der never ending honeymoon. n ul repent dat day for bahaving like dis to me. n ul regret every
thing coz i advised u to b cool but u ddnt listen. dat wil b th doom f u DOS. ur
a lujjer forever. goodbye DOS
'lujjer' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>exit

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's all :p

Untill later, Cuidate!

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Monkey And Me - I

Well, most of us have gone through our "waiting period" to get into some god-damn college. All those blissful hours of uselessness, those afternoons spent peacefully slumbering aware of the fact that we are good for nothing and won't get admission anywhere, cherishing our nocturnal existence and pretending to be rockstars while we are the only "unemployed" memebers of the family, getting to know the ceiling of our rooms like the back of our hand, having all the time in the world and still working hard to do nothing, lying sprawled on the bed in all our conscious moments, being comforted by the fact that the next day was going to be exactly like today...nothing to do, nothing to care about...gosh! That was the best time of my life! I wish I could bring it back...

But like all good things in the world, that happy period had to end too. To everybody's surprise, and I mean to entirely everybody's surprise (read: happy shock), I got into a college! (Yes! Can you believe it? Nor can I!)

If you are one of those people who think college is all about fun, masti, freedom, independence, carelessness, adventure, madness, anarchy, fun exploring trips, spontaneity and gaeity, then my college is not the place to go to. My shiksha ka mandir (accompanied with the gesture of a sweep of my hand in a semicircle above my head) is a place devoid of any abovementioned possibilities in the normal sense. It is located in a very busy area of Old Delhi where the traffic sense is so bad you can get squished to pulp anyday, anytime. It's a thrilling experience! I myself have had the fortunate chance to just escape from being crushed between a DTC and a Tata Safari once; two more occasions too but I can't recall the vehicles involved. And not many days untill I do get crushed, given how careless I am and one has to cross the intersection without traffic lights to get the photocopy done. Yay, adrenaline! (I wonder if boyfriends can be called widowers :p Haha! Oh well, that's the sort of humour I've been reduced to.) Since the crowd is what should be typical of Old Delhi, it's not a very good idea to venture into the local markets (they mostly sell autoparts anyway). Feeling hungry, want a quickie? Worry not, Makhanlal Halwai comes to the rescue! There is nothing of interest where you can go and hang out, the only relief being the somewhat well-equipped metro station a small walk away.

So that was the area around the campus. Now I'll tell you what an incredible campus my shiksha ka mandir has. As has already been mentioned, the xerox shop within the campus remains forever closed. Before you judge too soon, let me tell you that this is done intentionally so that students can get a first hand experience of relying on their instincts and learning to survive. Not to mention the adventure, ofcourse. Apart from the closed xerox shop, the world-class facilities present on-campus, as proudly stated on the site, include a fine basket-ball court (which is used as a parking lot), tennis court (sorry, I haven't been able to locate it yet, but the search goes on), badminton court (my peers play on clay, where clay means kichad...and yes, the excessive rains have made the court appear black), gymnasium (again, invisible), library housing 18,000 books (hah! it seems so tiny), cool cafeteria ( kidding, for some mysterious reason it was filled with smoke the two times I've been there), et cetera, et cetera.

Though the main feature is the huge, sprawling, lush, evergreen, wonderful, terriffic, awesome, yudli-yudli-yoo ground, bang in the middle, surrounded by buildings on all sides. Trust me when I say its heavenly. The first time I lay my eyes on it, all I thought was that the administration had taken the words "green" campus too literally. I mean, the grass literally flourished :p You could play hide-and-seek in it, or receive guerilla training! Or go explore its exponentially high biodiversity! Anything new you desire, the taller-than-everyone grass is sure to offer you :') Except...you can't sit there, and crossing it is a tad bit difficult sometimes... :p And yes, a small group of boys also displays chivalry by trying to play soccer there. Alas, they neither offer me the chance to watch a decent game nor the oppurtunity to have a new crush. Well, you can't have the best of everything I guess :p

Jannat :) But...there was a shady character in that delightful place. I was being stalked, let's refer to him as monkey.

( -to be continued)

A Little Bit Of Time - II

( -continued)


But...God is cruel :p

Despite all the pains that I took to avoid one of my biggest phobias, destiny was determined to teach me a lesson. Against all odds, I developed a very curious liking for a certain person quite many months before. And so, as is my habit of taking everything to the extremes, I would spend four out of the five school hours staring at my "object of fascination" :p I can't even begin to count the number of people for whom I provided entertainment...sigh! But the point is, no amount of comments, sniggery, jeering or even encouragement prevented me from my, er, quest :p Life was all roses untill I realized that my "object of fascination" would be transported some roughly 1714.64 kilometers or 1065.43 miles away :p I was doomed. Given a choice, I would always be the one to leave than to be left behind. But Vivre did not mean that to be!! Being the snobbish little friend that she is, she felt a moral obligation to teach me lessons of life :p "Archika...thou shalt wait! Thou shalt wait! Thou shalt wait! Wuhahaha!" she bellowed :p (Note: Friends like Vivre are also sometimes the prickiest hair in your nose :p)

I thought it couldn't get worse than this and made peace with the situation. But can a story be complete without the twists and turns? Nay, friends, nay! The scriptwriter of my life story thought it would be a good idea to throw in another sub-plot. And so...blackout...suspense...spotlight...drumroll...taa-daa...off goes Mehr, my best buddy, to Thailand! (That's a mere 2917.88 kilometres or 1813.14 miles away!) Vivre stole the oppurtunity to whisper into my ears, "Thank me Archika, I'm making sure you are completely alone so that you master the lesson." I tell you, Vivre is such a witch :p

Well, it hasn't been easy at all. God is cruel. Even though he knew I'm incapable of cultivating patience, he did not bless me with the superpower of teleporting :p (I can telepathy, in case you were wondering :p) And though I recently met Corazon (for which I'm very grateful), it does not suffice. It's like eating momos when you are very hungry. You think they will do for the time being only to realize that you want more :p

It's roughly three months more before I see him again. 3 months= 92 days= 2208 hours= 132480 minutes= 7948800 seconds :p Gasp! How will I survive?! The agony!

Well, I don't know about me, but yes, we will definitely survive :) After all, if the presence of the other is always felt, what more can one ask for. Even though the distance remains, he is always there, listening to all the blabberings and daily futile chit-chats of me :p So from the pointless complaints of how bored I am to his chuckling when I tell him how a common friend commented how do I manage to sit in class without having "someone" to stare at, he bears it all ;) From making me laugh to listening to the serious stuff, he does it all. He never complains if you are being bratty and demanding too much attention :p He will do all the things in his power that you ask him to. And if you happen to mention in passing what a bad day you had, he will call you and very subtly help you unwind and talk and relax. We will survive...also because the three beautiful hours together will be treasured forever, and the three months apart will one day be a distant memory :)

And Mehr..I promise to get the gtalk sorted :p I miss you when the landline rings, for my brother, and not for me. I miss the sound of your laughter, and all the hours we spent seamlessly talking about anything and everything in the world :) The champions of random :p

When the people you love go away, even if temporarily, you wish you had just a little bit of time more. A little bit of time to laugh some more, to talk some more, to be silent together some more. And sometimes you feel so helpless, you wish you could freeze time to the happier moments. But life goes on. And the ones parted will also one day be reunited :)

Untill next time, Cuidate!

A Little Bit Of Time - I

Let me recount to you the events of the night when I was born. It was a historic night indeed. The moment the world heard my first cry (a sweet melodious screeching sound :p) the clouds joined in the symphony with great crackle and thundering. The inky blue sky was marred with great bolts of lightening. All winged creatures were panic stricken by the disaster just born and flew helter-skelter to search for safety. A heavy storm picked up and threatened to blow everything in the way. Gaint trees shook violently. The very Earth threatened to collapse. And then...suddenly...the sky parted...and a divine voice announced, "Archika shall be impatient forever!" :p

Well, pardon the exaggeration, but the truth persists. I was, am, and will be impatient. I hate having to wait! For as long as I can remember, I always had a nagging disgust for that evil device named "watch". Its two arms, like swords, always drove me to despair. The mockery in their slow parikrama was unbearable. I was a bit sympathetic to the seconds-hand though, the poor thing :p

So whenever I asked mom, "When do I go to the park?", pat came the reply, "In the evening". So I asked how many hours more before it would be evening. Two? Oh no! One hour=sixty minutes. One minute=sixty seconds. Two hours=___seconds? I was too young to do the math (and lazy, ofcourse) but I knew that it was a lot of seconds. Gasp! How will I survive? The agony! And so I would spend those two hours glancing at the watch time and again, cursing it for taunting me, writhing in torture.

Again, I would cheerfully ask, "Mom, when will you make ice-cream?" And mom would reply, "Next week. Don't pester me". So again a repeat show of the whole thing would take place. One week=seven days. One day=twenty four hours. One hour=sixty minutes. One minute=sixty seconds. Seven days=___seconds? Gasp! How will I survive?

Same thing happened with the time for dad to come home, for Holi to come (you see, I love getting wet and dirty :p), for vacations to begin, for vacations to end, for the ice-cream to set, for the cake to bake, for my first bicycle, for its first puncture, for new course books, for new novels...the list never ends. In fact, if a friend and I ever planned an outing and she would propose to pick me up, I would tweak everything and make sure I was the one to pick her up, just to avoid the torture of having to wait.

But...God is cruel :p

( -to be continued)