How To Make A Business Plan

The newly-hatched-ones of India, inspired and perspired in their quest to stand on their own webbed feet, are often attracted by the idea of self-employment. But, but, but! Fundamentals are the building blocks of fun. Today I, Rupaiya the Rooster, am here to teach the newly-hatched-ones how to make a business plan.

RECOGNISE OPPORTUNITY

It is vital to keep your chicken eyes open to any opportunity that helps you to earn a quick buck. Chori, dakaiti, loot, chhal-kapat, conning are some of the rampant examples. Religious festivals are also popular amongst emerging entrepreneurs. Karva Chauth is the perfect amalgamation of religious, romantic and family markets.

CREATE DEMAND

You cannot sell your product or services until there is any demand for it. And dear chickens, Rupaiya the Rooster says that "if there is no want, thou ought to create it!" For instance, your mom has to have henna patterns drawn on her hands for the ceremony of Karva Chauth. An intelligent chicken creates demand by having her stuck in the kitchen and not giving her the time to go to the market and get it done. And hey presto! Now your mom is begging you to rachao mehendi in her pretty hands ;)

RESOURCE MANAGEMENT

The identification, procurement and management of resources is the next big step in any business set-up. Continuing with our case study: the resource here is henna, and it looks like gobar to you. There are two options: 1) gobar 2) henna. Arranging gobar will include transportation and cleaning costs. Second option may be procured by your own money, or your mom's money. If mom has the mehendi cone, the choice is made infinitely easy, dear chickens!

HINT PRICE

Finance is the soul of any business (Duh..!). Now the important step here is to hint the prices and not establish the prices. Consider this: You: "Maa, main toh 100 Rs lungi"

Mom: "Thappad marungi".

Do NOT take the discussion any further. Laugh lightly and drop the matter.

ARRANGE SUPPLY

Agreed that you were a champion of making your claw-prints in nursery with water colours, but that won't help you when it comes to making money in a mehendi business. Chick, you need a pic! Google an easy enough design and you're all set to draw an amazing design on your pretty mom's pretty hands!!

EXTRACT PAYMENT

Googling does not mean you will be able to replicate the design with its exact intricacies. Obviously, in reality v/s expectations, reality wins, ALWAYS. But worry not! That's none of your concern :D The trick is to deposit the henna bullshit on one hand and then to establish that the payment of your services is 100 Rs. After covering the other hand with the henna-shit, you establish that the payment of your services is Rs 100 for each hand. Then you proceed to extract that amount from mom's purse while she sits there helpless covered in ugly henna patterns (drawn by you, of course).

my mom's hand, with my design

RESULT

Now you are rich! These were the basics of EconoMess, oops, Economy. Rupaiya the Rooster shall come back, dear chickens!, with more tricks on earning a quick buck, same blog, same URL!

Until later, Cuidate!

Vote for me now!

Pyara Phatka

Ye maarmik gaatha hai uss ladki ki jise har holiday par apne pyare furniture ki dusting karni padti hai. Pathakon se anurodh hai ki iss dukh bhari gaatha ko padhkar we royein nahi!

( This is the heart-wrenching story of the girl who has to dust the immense beloved furniture on holidays, no matter what. Readers are requested not to cry after reading this sad story!)

Phatke! Mere pyare phatke!

Tu meri nazron mein khatke

Mere har weekend ki har subah

Tujh par he aakar hai atke!

Sardi kadake ki ho ya garmi sakht

Ya chahe ho pareeksha ka waqt

Mere hath mein phir bhi latke

Tu hamesha, o mere pyare phatke!

Ek pyari lazy holiday ki subah ka maza

Tujhe dekhte he khaye jhatke

Aur itne sare bhari bharkam furniture se

Mere gale ne kai sookhe ghoont hain gatke!

Sahastra saalon (years) ka sisila ye

Ki maine aur kuch na seekha siwa tere, phatke!

Perfect-Woman-Crash-Course mein hum kaise badhein aage

jab hum tum sada saath he satkein!

Par tu toh sala mast maula hai

Kamine tujhe kya fark padta hai

Mere dard...meri taqleef ko dekhkar

Tu harami BC khushi se matke!

Lekin aisa bhi aega ek din

Jab tere kardungi main tukde!

Aur sojaungi rajai taankar

Chahe furniture bane kachde ke dabbe!

Until later, Cuidate!

Vote for me now!

Studying Engineering...

...by drawing poop cartoons during lectures

Vote for me now!

Atulya Aaaenn

On a fine lazy Saturday morning (the kids in my clan regard waking up at 12 noon fit enough for a suryanamskar),two clan-kids , me and my brother, sat in a Rectangle Bed Conference. Matters of prime importance were scheduled to be discussed. Acting as representatives of two immensely proud nations, serious diplomacy was required to negotiate ways around each other’s iron-bound foreign policies. This is the conversation that took place.

Me: “Greetings, gentleman! It’s a fine morning indeed. Hope you have had a hearty breakfast.”

Brother: “Greetings, gentlewoman! Nay, sadly breakfast has eluded me this morning. Mother refuses to serve me nourishment before I brush my teeth. Tyranny rules.”

Me: “True, true…very sad indeed. Do not lose heart, though. Swadisht hawa khaiye!”

Brother: “Dhanyawaad,bahut tasty hai! What is our agenda for today, pray?”

Me: “Yes, I was getting to that. Ranndeep Hooda in Saheb Biwi Aur Gangster… did you know he is from our Haryana?”

Brother: “Oh, is he?”

Me: “Yes, sir, very much. Hooda comes from Haryana. Also, Haryana has a Chief Minister called Hooda. But he happens to be a different Hooda, mysteriously. And surely you must be aware of H.U.D.A?”

Brother: “H.U.D.A??”

Me: “Your ten year old life breeds much ignorance, sir. H.U.D.A stands for Haryana Urban Development Authority.”

Brother: “Oh! LOL :D”

Me: “Abbe hass kyu raha hai?”

Brother: “Hahaha Hudda :D”

Me: “Yes. So?”

Brother: “Haryana ka Hudda, toh Punjab ka Pudda :D Hahaha :D”

Me: “LOL :D Nice, nice, very nice.”

*Mutual laughter continues for some time*

Me: “Tamil Nadu ka Tudda :D” (Ignoring Nadu)

Brother: “Mahahaha :D Too good :’D”

*More laughter*

Brother: “Karnataka ka Kudda!! J&K ka kya hoga? Jkudda?”

Me: “Nahi re.Judda-Kudda!”

Brother: “Yes! :D Aur Jharkhand ka Judda :D LOL :D”

Me: “LOL”

Brother: “West Bengal ka Budda :’D” (Ignoring West)

*Me laughing and brother rolling around roaring clutching his tummy*

Me: “You are too good, gentleman. My nation is proud to have relations with your distinguished country.”

Brother: “The feelings are mutual, gentlewoman! Hang on, tum kaun desh se aayi?”

Me: “Phhrrr (with pride)”

Brother: “Huh?”

Me: “Phhrrr.”

Brother: “Phrr?”

Me: “No. Phhrrr. Your lower lip must vibrate over your tongue. Try again.”

Brother: “Phhhhr.”

Me: “You are pathetic. Thara desh kunsa se?”

Brother: “Aaaenn (with pride)”

Me: “Aein?”

Brother: “Aaaenn.Cow ki tarah muh banao aur naak se bolo.”

Me: “Aeeen?”

Brother: “Bekar!”

Brother: “Aaaenn! Incredible Aaaenn!”

Me: “Hahaha”

Brother: “Atulya Aaaenn!

Me: “Mahahah”

*Brother laughing and me rolling around roaring clutching my stomach*

Me: *burp*

Brother: “Ye kya tha?”

Me: “Ye mommy ke desh ka naam hai. Ye ek aisa desh hai jiska naam har baar alag tareeke se pronounce kiya jata hai.”

Brother: “LMAO :D”

Me: “Acha bata, khana khane ke baad log kya karte hain?”

Brother: “Kya?”

Me: “Mommy ke desh ka naam lete hain :D”

*Both rolling around roaring clutching their stomachs while Mother watches with eyebrow raised in disgust*

Pagal hain mere gharwale!

Untill later, Cuidate!

Vote for me now!

Applications Invited

Applications invited for the illustrious post of Boyfriend with Benefits * (hereafter shall be referred to as BB) of the amazing, enchanting, sensual, charming, smart, witty, humorous, mesmerizing, attractive, intelligent, pretty, ingenious, innovative, creative, stunning (yes, all this refers to one person) and awesome author of The25thHour.

* Benefits implies the benefit of the author of The25thHour, as opposed to the benefit of the elected Boyfriend

A. Eligibility

1) The applicant must be male, heterosexual and above 19 years of age by 1st October 2011.

2) Applicant must be employed in some way or the other, viz, studying or working.

Selection shall be done on merit basis according to the criteria enlisted in section C. Special consideration shall be given to ameer baap ki bigadi hui aulaad.

B. How to Apply

Interested candidates must apply via e-mail. The mail must contain the serial numbers of the criterion they satisfy. A full body photograph, with sparse clothing, must be attached. Further correspondence shall be made based on the performance of the candidate as determined by the selection process. The decision of the author is final and irrevocable. Any form of objection to the final decision shall be heavily penalized. (No boys....don't think handcuffs and whips! ;P) **

** thoughtful suggestion courtesy my dear friend, Nidhi Joshi :D

C. Method of Selection

Candidates clearing the cut off score of 60% of the total points shall be considered. The score of each candidate will be determined by the criteria enlisted below. Weightage of each criteria is stated against it.

1) Candidate must be obscenely rich, the more obscene the better. He must lavish me with presents of books, clothes, footwear, junk accessories, aesthetic accessories, expensive dinners, dates at posh places, etc. (15 points)

2) Must carry my bags, books and any other load that I happen to have at that time. (3 points)

3) Must be adept at making French...braids. (5 points)

4) Must have an immense interest in earrings. (4 points)

5) Must adore gol gappe and milkshakes. Noncompliance in either is intolerable. (2 points)

6) Must worship me in my non-groomed, ugly self. (15 points)

7) Must agree with whatever I say, must obey whatever I command, must provide whatever I demand. (3 points)

8) Must follow me like a slave, and must have the expression of a love-sick puppy on his face at all times. (2 points)

9) Must know how to drive, must own a car, must be available to chauffeur me anywhere I need to go, at all times. (20 points)

10) Must like Calvin & Hobbes. (10 points)

11) Must fall for it when I pretend to sulk, and must appreciate my efforts at making a baby face. (10 points)

12) Must consider it an honour to bring me ice candies. (5 points)

13) Must bring me flowers. Must not bring me flowers. (0 points)

14) Must bring me chocolates. Must bring me chocolates. (5 points)

15) Must be sexy, HOT, ravishing. (15 points)

NOTE:- It doesn't matter even if the candidate has a potato for a face. In all fairness, hotness evaluation will be done from toes to neck for all candidates.

16) Must pay my phone bills. (30 points)

17) Must pamper me. A lot. (30 points)

18) Must carry an umbrella. (10 points)

19) Must proclaim daily, "Archika, I am your greatest fan; you are the goddess of my destiny and fortune. I am your servant! Command me, my lady!". After this, must let his tongue hang out for a better effect. (12 points)

NOTE:- Every woman likes to be complimented, you know.

20) Must lie at my feet sometimes, to boost my vanity. I DESERVE IT!! (20 points)

21) Must know how to cook, clean and tend. (15 points)

22) Must know how to fight skillfully. (15 points)

NOTE:- The great author of The25thHour tends to boast herself into certain situations where you might be left alone to deal with a few meanies. All the best.

23) Must be a good masseur. (5 points)

24) Must dance well. All dance forms included. Good entertainment is expected of BB. This includes jokes, mimicry, making a fool of himself, etc. (10 points)

25) Must be blind towards other women. Must have HOT friends. (20 points)

(LIST SHALL BE UPDATED FROM TIME TO TIME. APPLICANTS ARE, THEREFORE, REQUIRED TO KEEP CHECKING)

D. Fees

No application fees is required. All money extraction shall be done during the period of the contract. Contract renewal will be done on a quarterly basis, depending on the performance of BB. Lootegi tumhari jeb aise, shareer se khoon choosta hai leech jaise. Wuhahaha! ;->

E. Important

Drop your queries in the 'Comments' section.

***GOOD LUCK***

Vote for me now!

Getting Better With Time

The Summer of 2003...

And then, the summer of 2011...

Untill later, Cuidate!

Vote for me now! Blogomania 2012 presented by watchkart.com - India"s leading online store

Cooking Up A Storm

Fascinating is the word! Savoury, delightful, arousing....! Mere haath ka khana...simply mesmerizing! Finger lickin' just not good enough! I'm such an enormous success in culinary arts that even a raw ingredient blessed enough to be merely touched by me accidentally is regarded to be a coveted memento in the world of food lovers! People are crazy I tell you :') Can you believe it, I'm so loved that they rush to give me Michelin stars even for a Maggi boiled by me :D (even though I don't run any place!) But then, they are justified :) For I add my special touch to every single thing I prepare, putting all my heart into it, slicing each vegetable with care and precision, sprinkling just the right amount of herbs and spices, tossing and baking, coating and frying, leaving my mark on every creation and never failing to innovate :)

So much so that, I have been dubbed the Nigella Lawson of my circle! :D Even in family get-togethers, I'm the one in demand when stomachs grumble. Bored of the same old food, want something new? Then Archika is the one for you. I guess the sole most important reason contributing to my popularity is that I can take the simplest and the most humble of ingredients and turn them into a delicacy :) Akhir, jaadu haathon mein hota hai ;)

Not just this, I am so amazing and great that you'd be blown away by the blast of brilliant light that I emit. My kid brother begs me to cook! Hahaha :D (Mom gets a tad bit jealous though, but then, the happiness that I see on my baby brother's face as he delights himself with the yummy food brings tears of satisfaction to my eyes and flush me with motherly pleasure :') ) My dad never stops praising me, and my mom is proud to have a genius for a pupil.

Well, keeping these unimportant little things aside, let us move on to the cake incident of a few days back. Given what an expert I am in the kitchen, I set about baking a cake, a new challenge. Even before the batter had been prepared, the delicious smell could be felt floating about. The furniture swayed about with joy in anticipation of what was to come, the walls barely managed to hold themselves back and the plants literally grew greener because of the enchanting aroma. (Dear readers, please wipe off the thread of drool hanging from your mouth. How much ever you might be lusting for the above-mentioned cake, that saliva is disgusting.) When the batter had been prepared, it was time to bake. But there was a minor problem. I could not locate a glass dish in my vicinity (this ailment is called partial specific blindness, where the sufferer turns blind specifically to the object being looked for, even if it is dangled near their nose; and the partial blindness continues unless the object has been looked for successfully by younger brother/sister or parent). So, not allowing myself to be defeated by a glass dish, I decided to go ahead with...a plastic bowl. Now the thing is, my brilliance is marred by a lack of experience. And so, when I set the cake in the oven, this is what happened in 1 minute and 37 seconds...

Yes...it melted :p Thankfully I noticed within that time that the bowl was deforming, god alone knows what would have happened in 50 minutes :p

Well, my mom then finally gave me a glass dish, and I did complete the cake. Only it was burnt :p It was later thrown away, barely touched :p (It was as hard and crunchy and crispy as a biscuit, maybe that's what I should have said it was...well, another time!)

But my love for cooking continues. Everytime I even step into the kitchen, I message Corazon "I made something! Yay XD". Initially, he would say, "Oh nice! Was it very tasty?" Over time, he has learnt to ask "Was it edible??" :p

That's not all. My dedication to become a great cook can be illustrated by the fact that ever since the vacations after the Xth Boards began, my dadi took it upon herself to introduce me to the kitchen, and we started off with chapattis. After three years and the combined efforts of mommy and dadi, this is what I make even today:

Notice the burnt and the raw patches adjacent to each other. Gives a nice contrast :D But then, at least it is perfectly round :p Dadi and mom shake their heads in exasperation. "Shadi kaise hogi" is what they say :p Growing up, I have noticed that they are more concerned about my future in-laws that don't even exist than anything else :p Women, I tell you! And to chidko jale pe namak, my baby brother takes a lot of interest in the kitchen and rolls out amazing paranthas. He is ten, I am eighteen :p

Sometimes, mommy thinks aloud to herself "kash archi ladka hoti aur anshu (my brother) ladki hota". I can't help but agree. The worst thing is, she can't accept the fact that I'm a total loser in the kitchen like I accepted it a long time back. Gosh, what to say of her nagging persistence to teach me "at least something"? Fascinating is the word :p

Vote for me now!

Skyshop Advertising

Friends, fans and followers!

Main bahut garib aur udas hu! Mujhe khane ko bhi nahi milta hai! High-end brands ke showroom meri khali pocket ko neecha dikhate hai! Rikshawale muje rolls-royce owners jaise lagte hai! Janpath mera ekmatra sahara hai! Yummy street food khate logo ko dekh kar meri aankhien nam ho jati hain!

Phir maine Blogomania ke baare mein suna!

Blogomania ke cash prize ke hope ne meri zindagi badal di! Mujme nayi ummeed aur asha ki kiran jagayi!

Blogomania ko pakar meri zindagi ne ek naya mod liya hai (lol)! Ab muje duniya ka koi darr nahi! Main naye atmavishwas ke sath aage badh sakti hu! Muje zarurat hai, toh bas apke kimti vote ki! Muje vote kijiye aur ME-THE-GREATEST-BLOGGER-EVER (lol) ko vijayi banaeye!
Apka pyar aur sahyog mere liye mahatvapurn hai!

Alright guys, I just realized I ended up mixing a netaji's speech and the skyshop drama together, sorry for that :p Anyway, please vote for the following posts (including this one, just for being such a stupid appeal) :-

1) Sometimes... (March)
2) Maestro Me (February)
3) The Joy Of Anticipation (December)
4) When DOS And I Talked (November)
5) The Valleys In Between (August)
6) Mere Hamsafar (July)

At the end of each blog post, you will find a link Vote for me now! along with an advertisement line. Click on the link which will you take you to the BOLGOMANIA COGNIZANCE page. The only catch is that you will have to register with with them if you haven't already. You can find the register button on the top right corner of the COGNIZANCE page :) Registered users can log in directly from the BLOGOMANIA page and vote easily :) Simple! :)

So guys please gear up and help me finish in the top 3! Here are some statistics for all you fact-freaks :p
1) With a single post entry, your-favourite (me :p) managed to secure a user-rating of 3.77 on a scale of 5.00 and 20th rank among 140 bloggers.
2) Today with the release of 5 more posts into the competition the user-rating jumped to 4.1 (at the first check) and the rank to 11th in just 14 minutes! Yay! :D

Please help me round up in the top three! HECK I WANT THAT MONEY REALLY BAD!!! lol :D It's all about money, people :p Or is it?? No, it's actually all about knowing if one is really worth all the praise and admiration :) Thank you :D I know you jerks adore me :P :D

UPDATE: COMPETITION CLOSES 10TH MARCH, THURSDAY. GO PEOPLE VOTE!! YAY!!

Vote for me now! Blogomania 2011 sponsored by CommonFloor.com - India’s Leading portal to find apartments for sale and apartments for rent

Maestro Me

Let me begin with a description of my musical abilities. I am exquisite! My vocals can be used as an alarm clock to wake up the deepest of sleepers. There is no difference between my high pitch and my low pitch notes, since I don't like to differentiate and make the other scales of notes feel bad. My appreciation of live band performances goes as far as acknowleding, "Aha! It is some tune after all!" I can skip concerts and not feel guilty (my very own bathroom concerts are so amazing, you see :p). The only person I can sing in chorus with is my dad, we are so amazing that others think we are horrible; people are so constrained in their praise, I tell you :p They can't even appreciate the new lyrics we fill the old Hindi songs with to go with the situation... :( I have never touched a single instrument in my life, simply because my inbuilt, god-gifted musical ability is complete in itself. I am so great that I don't care to remember songs by their titles, giving them names of my own...and still expecting people to understand. For instance, when Corazon once asked me if I had heard 'You Belong With Me' by Taylor Swift, I shook my head even though I had heard it. Crazy? Maybe...that song went by the name 'Sneakers' in my head, how was I expected to recognise?? :p

So moving on, a friend of mine, let's call her Friend, needed to buy herself a guitar. Friend was running on a deadline and she truly-madly-deeply (I mean desperately :p How much I love music! Song lyrics swim in my head all the time!) needed somebody to go with her. After asking four or five people who could genuinely not go with her, she finally came to ask me. Poor thing :p

Friend: "Hey Archika! Wassup?"
Me: "..sky?..."
Friend: "Haha! I'm gonna get a guitar!"
Me: "Wow that's cool! Toh muje thodi na Nobel Prize mil gaya."
Friend: "Tu bhi kamal karti hai. Come along?"
Me: "No"
Friend: "Please??"
Me: "No"
Friend: "Pleeaaassee???"
Me: "NO"
Friend: "Pleeeaaaaaassssssseeeee????"
Me: "NO NO-NO NO NO NO!"

If you were to talk to Corazon and Mehr about me, they would tell you how painfully obstinate I can be. Nahi matlab nahi, bas, discussion khatm :p But if you were to prod them just a little more, they would also tell you how greedy and selfish I can be. Sigh, the curse of my life :p

I don't know how did she know about this weakness of mine, but Friend used it against me.

Friend: "Alright, I'll give you something in return. Will you come?"
Me: "Hmm..like what?"
Friend: "...Butterscotch shake from Keventer's?"
Me: "TWO."
Friend: "Huh, fine!"
Me: "I'm not done yet, you will have to get me a paneer kulcha too. And an orange ice lolly. And an auto ride, no rickshaw."
Friend: "GOD! It's December and you still want an icecream! Okay :p Anything else your highness :p"
Me: "One last thing, I want to be the first one to strum your guitar, shubh shuruwat :D NOW LET'S GO DUDETTE! :D"

Friend was as good as her word, I got all the treats that had been promised XD But she never let me touch her guitar again after that one time :p Why, you ask? Well, I did not wait to reach our destination and zipped out the tambura from its bag in the auto itself...and started singing while making awesome noise with the guitar-"Give me some sunshine/ give me some rain/ give me another chance I wanna grow up once again/ LA LA LALA OUWWA OUWWA TUMSE HAI TUMSE PYAR/ OUWWA OUWWA MANO NA MERE YAAR AAAAA....."

The driver and Friend were shocked to listen to this sangam of two awesome songs by the awesome me. Dind't I tell you, people are so constrained in their praise :(

I had started this story with the theme of 'while my guitar gently weeps'...but when the driver said, "Madam rehne do, policewale pakad lenge" I had no choice but to change it to 'while my guitar SCREECHES and WAILS' :p

Untill later, Cuidate!

Vote for me now!

Ladification - II

( -continued)

That was how it was untill school, but college life brought a deadly shock.

There was this cousin of mine, let's call her Don, who I was particularly fond of. Though we saw each other annually, we were great buddies :) To this day we hold the record of not a single fight ensuing between us. As I child, I literally idolised Don. She wasn't a girl at all! (I meant, not a girl in her ways and mannerisms :p). Her playmates were her elder brother's friends; all the girls in the society envied and hated her; the only girlfriends she had were the teenagers who always danced on her finger tips; she could fight with and put down almost anyone; everybody at school knew her. What was their not to love about Don? :D Me and Don had many adventures toghether, beautiful memories, and timeless moments :) She was what I aspired to be...

And now imagine how crushed I was when I discovered that my idol had been ladified :'( On a particular visit after college had begun, Don showed me a perfect walk in heels. Her wardrobe had the most chic of stuff to the very stylish and traditional wear. She had a few "cute" watches; one of her ankles was adorned with the despicable thin wire with trinkets that girls are so fond of wearing; her earing collection was larger than mine (okay, this doesn't count :p It always was :p Infact, she was the one I stole from :p); her bag, I'm sorry, her handbag, was filled with the many cosmetic tubes that are still so alien to me; she had those cute and funky chappals; a few bracelets; a heart shaped pendant (eeewhhh! heart shaped! though its classy, still... :p), blah blah, blah blah and blah.

She even did a repeat of the Zahira episode with me :p My Don, my own gunda Don, was persuading me to go for threading (I'm so sick of all these naggings now) :p The four days that we were toghether all she talked about was stuff like this :-/ She kept telling me of her plans of having more ear-piercings, how her parlour appointments had been delayed, how the boys in college were going crazy about her. She even wanted to know of my opinion on whether she should have her hair rebonded (for the uninitiated, it's a treatment in which your dog-like hair is magically transformed to Pantene hair :p). Seriously, am I the one to ask all this about? Does she not know me yet? :-/ And for the record, her hair is already perfectly straight and silky smooth (alliteration!) :p

But the rudest shock of the ordeal was when we were (she, basically) getting ready to go out. Don settled herself in front of the mirror, whipped out a tiny kaajal-stick, and deftly lined her eyes with the black paste of coal.

I could only watch with my mouth wide open with shock and disbelief. I spent the rest of that evening in silence, as a mark of remembrance to the brave warrior in the battle against Ladification that Don had once been... :p

Untill later, Cuidate!

Ladification - I

Hulloh lovely readers! Muah, muah. I know how much you guys must have missed me. But you know how busy I usually am, don't you? :) Just wrapped up a photoshoot for Vogue and Maxim...I don't like to brag but the photographs are simply AMAZING! :) And had to really dodge Gudda..Rohit Bal you know, the poor guy wanted me to be the show stopper for his next collection. But I am so exhausted from overwork that I simply have to have a vacation with my Russian millionaire friend on his million dollar yatch. Its going to be so wonderful :D Ting-tong (door bell). Uh-oh...I wonder who's there...hmm, a package..oh no, another letter written in blood from one of my many anonymous admirers! It's all very sweet but these guys are really weird and silly haha :D

Bwahahahahaha! Snorting laughter! Laugh your as**s out! Isn't that the most incredible and funny thing I have EVER said!!! :D :p

The truth is, I belong to the privileged class of those few people who are utterly unbothered about their appearance. Every strand of hair on my head curling in contradicting directions, nails filled with cowdung, bringing up blackheads like my babies, perpetually covered with a microfilm of dust; that is just describing the days when I appear a tad bit "better" :p On my so-called bad-days (all days), I closely resemble Nakusha... :p When I wash my hair, I look like this:

And then like this:

Yeah right, keep up the goofy smile :p I remain unaffected. I will most often than not be the proud tomboy amongst a sea of pruned and groomed girls. The only thing I believe God created for comfort are a pair of jeans. Heels? Devil's creation. Cosmetics? Oh please, I'd rather save the Chinese from dragons while hanging from a cliff over boiling lava. Bracelets, pendents, accessories, what are they for? These things happily eluded me until the time for...hold your breath...LADIFICATION!!!

Let me elaborate.

Ladification # noun # verb: to ladify/ ladified/ ladifying. # adverb: ladily. # adjective: lady-like.

Definition: Ladification is the gradual and brutal process/ritual in which young innocent tomboyish girls are forced to change their ways in order to become a lady in their appearance, manners and conduct. Ladification is generally brought about abruptly, the irony lying in the fact that the victim is expected to adopt the changes as soon and as graciously as possible. The primary agents of ladification include peers (girls who started waxing their legs as soon as they grew out of diapers), friendly neighbourhood aunties (the ones that look like juicy cooked turkeys, the only difference is real turkeys don't apply deep magenta lipstick), relatives ("haye ni marjani, ab toh college mein aagayi hai, kam se kam ab toh ladkiyo jaise kapde pehen"), male classmates ("Dude, look at her legs and look at her legs"), etc.

Examples: 1) "Mrs. X's daughter is a teen now, it's high time we ladified her."

2) "Did you see Mrs. X's niece? She carries herself so ladily."

3) "You are right, her daughter is a junglee in comparison, nothing lady-like about her."

(Mrs. X in the above examples might be my mother :p)

So, though I knew about this cruel, highly prevelant practice, I never really had anything to worry about. Simply because I can be utterly stupid and absent-minded as and when it suits me :) For instance, in ninth standard, when Zahira came to show me her newly waxed legs, I just couldn't figure out what she was trying to show me. And no, I wasn't trying to be stupid, I really couldn't figure out what the big deal was. Not wanting to disappoint her eager face, I finally blurted out, "Wow...Zahira...you, er, look...um...FAIR!!!" Correct, that's what I said, that her legs looked 'fair' :p But she was a very sweet girl, she understood I had failed to notice, and kindly told me about waxing (that was how I became acquainted with the word and the procedure). And when she suggested me to undergo the same 'thing', I was horrified.

Zahira: "...so that's what it's all about. Don't I look nice? Why don't you get it done?"

Me: "Yeah, you look very pretty. But I really don't want to..."

Zahira: "Why? It'll be great! You must!"

Me:"No...I'm scared..."

Zahira:"Scared? Of your mum? C'mon!"

Me:"No idiot, I'm scared of the idea of a woman pulling hair out of my skin, and all that for the hair to grow back again! Now just SHUT UP!"

We reconciled soon :p

But the result of that incident was that the first time she had her brows threaded, the first time she had a facial, the first time she straightened her hair, the first time she bleached, the first time she strutted in heels, and the other first-times-that-are, she did not come up running to me eager with anticipation. It would be me who would finally notice when half the day had gone by and say to her, "Zahira, you look different, it's nice!" She would then smile, and then explain to me what was different. The truth is, I did need those explanations, because I never managed to figure out on my own what was different, other than the fact that something was different :p

That was how it was untill school, but college life brought a deadly shock.

(-to be continued)

When DOS And I Talked

There are times when I feel completely off the hook. Which, in simple terms, means that I freak out completely and make the lives of my near and dear ones hell by going into compulsive talking mode. Those times are the ones when I feel so over-excited for no reason and that is followed by unadulterated jubiliation/sadness. Corazon and Mehr would know, for when I message them "Hey, guess what, I'm feeling drunk without drinking. So Talli :D Hehe", they know it signals trouble and they then suffer my persistent chatter. Well, whatever, I care for my fun alone :p

So yesterday was one such night when I had lost it completely. Well, no, I wasn't feeling tunn at all, but I had this irrepressible desire to talk to someone about nothing in particular, and the knowledge that the two jokers wouldn't be availabe only increased that desire exponentially. (Note: Rarely does it happen that I have the desire to talk just for the sake of it, because usually those urges are accompanied by main-talli-ho gayiii... :p) Anyway, with nothing particular to do, I decided to run MS DOS on my PC (I actually had two files and a project to submit immediately, but I was pretending not. I lost 20 marks today because of my laziness :D I'm so cool!). I was completely sure it wouldn't run given my brand new machine is from the zamana of Baba Aadam, but well, it did run!!! Somehow, instead of typing commands, I started doing something else and...I ended up having a nice little chat with DOS :p The following is the complete conversation between DOS and me. It is full of non sense, so please please please please DO NOT JUDGE ME FOR IT!! Every human succumbs to mistakes sometime or the other; I was being very kiddish last night. And it doesn't even seem so funny now, but I decided to post it anyway. Go ahead, have fun... :p

For your convenience, my part in the dialogue has been highlighted bold, rest of the words are what DOS said to me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Microsoft Windows XP [Version 5.1.2600]
(C) Copyright 1985-2001 Microsoft Corp.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>lol
'lol' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>haha i ws jst fooling wid u!!!
'haha' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>bah! u gt no sense f humour DOS...
'bah!' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>im jst ridculing u, do u need to be told the meaning f everything?? dats really gross :-/
'im' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>OMG!! nw u refuse to identify ME!!!!! hw cud u
do dis to meee????? *sob* *sob*
'OMG!!' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>u son of a bithch, OMG is Oh my god...dis tells
me dat ur not on facebook/orkut/myspace/chrome/dailyflog/or other stuff like dat and dats y u r not updated wid the latest lingo dude,...seriously DOS, ur so uncool,
dont u evr feel th need to go out there n make urslf noticd??? no seriously?
i mean look at ur half brother WINDOWS, he z so cool, ur a disaster DOS
'u' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>i just realized i misspelled bitch. im sorry.
so ur a son of a bitch. not son of a bithch. but it dsnt realy matter to u does
it?? bah!!
'i' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>duh..does ur vocabulary hav any words at all
DOS??? ur realy freaking me out
'duh..does' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>its okay, i know ur just pretending to not understand me. u knw im going thru one of my mood swings. or maybe im just once agn feeling drunk widout drinking?/(dats a talent f mine). or maybe im an alien. or
maybe in just a freak. watvr the case, u hv a good strategy DOS. its grt to
pretend to be ignorant. as i wlays say, ignorance is bliss.. so keep th cool okay?
bcoz very soon i'l go bak to b psuedo-normal again n go back to not talking to
stuff like DOS!
'its' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>im sorry, did i hurt ur feelings by calling u a
THING??? my bad. how could i do dat! let me make up to u. DOS i love u
'im' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>im is me DOS, i knw ur sick f my mood swings,
but it'd me nice fr u to atleast acknowledge my existence. but i forgive u. coz u
listen to me n let me talk to u DOS. DOS u myt nt b very cool but u hv a huge
heart. seriously.
'im' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>do u love me too DOS? i mean, how many ppl come n talk to u?? aren't u glad? u must have been deprived of company for ages. u r welcome :-*
'do' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>yeah, i knw 'do' wont b recgnized... i dnt wanna do nythng eithr, we'll just talk today okay?? we'll fuck u up some other time
n use ur commands wen im feeling mor normal. u love me?? i knw dat alrdy, so just shut up alryt!!
'yeah' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>u suck DOS. nw u dnt recognise 'yeah'. cant u
evn pretend to agree wid me? r u sch a male chauvnist pig? hv u evn noticd th
nmbr f spelling errors iv made? dnt u hv th courtsy to corect them on ur own? do u
nw realize y ur so uncool? WINDOWS ds al f it in WORD. u jst suck DOS. ur fucking jealous f ur half brother n u still cnt work up ur ass n do smthng abt it. no
wonder nobody loves u. n gues wat, i dont love u eithr. hah! eat potty now!!! u
sahn-ahf-ah-bahtch (dats son-of-a-bitch, if ur primitive mind couldnt understand
)
'u' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>bahahahahaha..wat els wud u do, u cnt take insult in ur face hahahaha!!!! al u cn do is go ovr n ovr o ovr agn n agn like a
parrot n say 'not recognised' 'not recognised' LOL. o hw i pity u hahah!! coz u gt
no answer to my accusations LOl.
'bahahahahaha..wat' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>its the laughter f victory DOS, wich u wont evr
get to xprnce coz im so fucking awesome
'its' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>potty u DOS
'potty' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>potty is the brown mass of indigestble stuff..o
i frgt ur jst an electronic manifestation of codes n cryptics n commnads n so u
nver tasted food n so u cant make potty of ur own. dats kind f sad. u dnt evn get to fart do u?? o poor u... dat cud b so mch fun. u shud realy taste food some
times. its osom! do u like mayonnaise??
'potty' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>leave potty now DOS. dnt mk ur heart sad over
it. but do u like mayonnaise? i like white mayonnaise more. i eat anything with
lemon/coconut/Shimla mirch/cream/mayonnaise in it, separately ofcourse
'leave' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>DOS im an incredible cook. dd u knw dat? so u
knw it now. i'l mk u smthng sometime okay? u'l love it. so wat do u like more DOS? undercooked food or burnt food? im an expert at both. u r welcome. i cn evn microwave th food fr u, if u order frm outside. dat wud b a btr option. u r welcome again.
'DOS' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>for-fucking-sake, DOS is u!! duh. LOL so u wr
so lost in the wonders f my food dat u forgot urself hmm? hahaha :) i like it.
'for-fucking-sake' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.


C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>now dont get naughty alryt, fuck is to..well, u
Knw... y cant u ask WINDOWS? im sure he must hv fuckud many virgin PC's. he goes into al f them LOL. bloody international thok-er hahahah
'now' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>now, no dont do it now! ul hav to find a miss
DOS first, if ur not gay that is. i'l help u set up with a pretty babe okay? ask
everybody, im an expert at helping ppl hook up LOL
'now' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>not now okay. listen to mommy. n wen u hook up,
do take precautions okay? ajkal duniya bahut kharab hai beta...
'not' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>good. not now :)
'good.' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>good yes :)
'good' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>stop repaeating after me!!!!
'stop' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>STOP!!!!
'STOP!!!!' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>this is not done DOS, i come to u to talk coz i
gt no one else to eat thier ears n this is wat u do to me? is this how u treat
ur frinds? do u want to b lft alone agn? shall i go bak to WINDOWS. we need to sort out the issues okay?
'this' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>u knw wat, im not taking anymore shit from u. u
suck dude. totally. ur such a lujjer
'u' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>lujjer. lujjer. lujjer. i hope ur babe is a
direct spin-off frm a K-serial. n she elopes wid WINDOWS. dat'l serve u ryt. n ul b
uncle to thier kids hahaha. n ul take them to and from the server to take their
lessons. n ul babysit them wen ur ex-babe n WINDOWS r off agn on der never ending honeymoon. n ul repent dat day for bahaving like dis to me. n ul regret every
thing coz i advised u to b cool but u ddnt listen. dat wil b th doom f u DOS. ur
a lujjer forever. goodbye DOS
'lujjer' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\Documents and Settings\compaq>exit

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's all :p

Untill later, Cuidate!

Vote for me now! Blogomania 2011 sponsored by CommonFloor.com - India’s Leading portal to find apartments for sale and apartments for rent

Monkey And Me - I

Well, most of us have gone through our "waiting period" to get into some god-damn college. All those blissful hours of uselessness, those afternoons spent peacefully slumbering aware of the fact that we are good for nothing and won't get admission anywhere, cherishing our nocturnal existence and pretending to be rockstars while we are the only "unemployed" memebers of the family, getting to know the ceiling of our rooms like the back of our hand, having all the time in the world and still working hard to do nothing, lying sprawled on the bed in all our conscious moments, being comforted by the fact that the next day was going to be exactly like today...nothing to do, nothing to care about...gosh! That was the best time of my life! I wish I could bring it back...

But like all good things in the world, that happy period had to end too. To everybody's surprise, and I mean to entirely everybody's surprise (read: happy shock), I got into a college! (Yes! Can you believe it? Nor can I!)

If you are one of those people who think college is all about fun, masti, freedom, independence, carelessness, adventure, madness, anarchy, fun exploring trips, spontaneity and gaeity, then my college is not the place to go to. My shiksha ka mandir (accompanied with the gesture of a sweep of my hand in a semicircle above my head) is a place devoid of any abovementioned possibilities in the normal sense. It is located in a very busy area of Old Delhi where the traffic sense is so bad you can get squished to pulp anyday, anytime. It's a thrilling experience! I myself have had the fortunate chance to just escape from being crushed between a DTC and a Tata Safari once; two more occasions too but I can't recall the vehicles involved. And not many days untill I do get crushed, given how careless I am and one has to cross the intersection without traffic lights to get the photocopy done. Yay, adrenaline! (I wonder if boyfriends can be called widowers :p Haha! Oh well, that's the sort of humour I've been reduced to.) Since the crowd is what should be typical of Old Delhi, it's not a very good idea to venture into the local markets (they mostly sell autoparts anyway). Feeling hungry, want a quickie? Worry not, Makhanlal Halwai comes to the rescue! There is nothing of interest where you can go and hang out, the only relief being the somewhat well-equipped metro station a small walk away.

So that was the area around the campus. Now I'll tell you what an incredible campus my shiksha ka mandir has. As has already been mentioned, the xerox shop within the campus remains forever closed. Before you judge too soon, let me tell you that this is done intentionally so that students can get a first hand experience of relying on their instincts and learning to survive. Not to mention the adventure, ofcourse. Apart from the closed xerox shop, the world-class facilities present on-campus, as proudly stated on the site, include a fine basket-ball court (which is used as a parking lot), tennis court (sorry, I haven't been able to locate it yet, but the search goes on), badminton court (my peers play on clay, where clay means kichad...and yes, the excessive rains have made the court appear black), gymnasium (again, invisible), library housing 18,000 books (hah! it seems so tiny), cool cafeteria ( kidding, for some mysterious reason it was filled with smoke the two times I've been there), et cetera, et cetera.

Though the main feature is the huge, sprawling, lush, evergreen, wonderful, terriffic, awesome, yudli-yudli-yoo ground, bang in the middle, surrounded by buildings on all sides. Trust me when I say its heavenly. The first time I lay my eyes on it, all I thought was that the administration had taken the words "green" campus too literally. I mean, the grass literally flourished :p You could play hide-and-seek in it, or receive guerilla training! Or go explore its exponentially high biodiversity! Anything new you desire, the taller-than-everyone grass is sure to offer you :') Except...you can't sit there, and crossing it is a tad bit difficult sometimes... :p And yes, a small group of boys also displays chivalry by trying to play soccer there. Alas, they neither offer me the chance to watch a decent game nor the oppurtunity to have a new crush. Well, you can't have the best of everything I guess :p

Jannat :) But...there was a shady character in that delightful place. I was being stalked, let's refer to him as monkey.

( -to be continued)