Monkey And Me - II

Jannat :) But...there was a shady character in that delightful place. I was being stalked, let's refer to him as monkey.

Since the moment I first stepped into the campus, I could feel an evil eye following me everywhere, anticipating my every move, analysing my every situation. I felt strangled…and on the verge of a breakdown. Terror followed me everywhere I went, like a serpent waiting to strike. Every breath was a risk, every step a danger. Those were some of the worst moments ever lived.

And the vicious stalker was none other than, well, a monkey…

The citizens of my shiksha ka mandir (accompanied with the gesture of a sweep of my hand in a semicircle above my head) are forever in fear of the killer monkeys. They roam around majestically, stealing when they wish, striking and pouncing any pretty babe they desire. They have a birthright on every edible item, how dare you even think of eating it! If any object that you’re carrying catches their fancy, then of course they have a divine right over it. Either you hand over the disputed item with all due respect, or it will be snatched away, obviously. Even the creators of the “green” campus cower to the ground in their presence. All that’s left is for them to collect hafta from us now…

However, my fear reached unprecedented heights when the monkeys made me the target of their most atrocious expedition. Given how big-hearted, spendthrift, gullible, innocent, kind and sweet I am, I had bullied a senior into giving me ten bucks, with which I bought a choco-bar :D I was enjoying my well-earned treat in the sun, perched on the college wall, in the delightful company of my friends when my intuition warned me of danger! Out of the corner of my eye I could watch a huge mass of muscular brown fur leaping and running and jumping and lurching all the way towards me! In a blur of moments the monster was right before my eyes!! Yes sir, right before my very eyes, believe it or not, and baring his fangs that were covered in green phlegm!!! :O My very heart leaped out of my throat and jumped into my bag to seek cover, bloody bastard.

The indestructible incarnation of Lord Hanuman then stretched out his paws, and I sadly realized what I would have to give up L But I am no coward! Very bravely, I simply abandoned my ice cream and ran…

How I am alive to tell the tale still astonishes me…but my heart (bloody bastard) still cries when I think of that choco-bar bought with bullied-money.

Until later, Cuidate!

Vote for me now!

Sinful Wishing

Perched on the parapet, leaning against the wall

She sat so oblivious, letting the great drops fall.

The rain shimmered thick…a curtain of pearls

The wisps of her agonized soul seething in swirls.

The random gusts of wind piercing her through

Drifting her to the inner vaults where memories brew.

And so she sat strolling down the memory lane

Sinful wishes rising again, peace beginning to wane.

It was a journey of as much joy as of longing

His absence hurt, for him she felt herself pining.

Wishing she could, once again, really see him smile

Wishing for him to tease her again, laughing all the while.

Silently observing the world, she wished him by her side

His sturdy hand on her shoulder, mouth grinning wide.

Alone in the crowd, somehow hoping he’d land

Right there, right then, and hold her hand.

She wished she could just make him sit

And wordlessly admire, as long as time bid.

“Come back, please, oh please come back”.

Praying thus mutely, but afraid to say it aloud

Knowing that he trusted her to wait, as he cleared the cloud.

And she felt so sinful, knowing she was being selfish

How could she ask him for something that he couldn’t furnish.

It surprised her greatly, how two tiny words “come back”

Made her flinch, perhaps of her own will a lack.

So torn by the two words, again letting the great drops fall

Wishing she could say, and knowing she should not.

Until later, Cuidate!

Vote for me now!

Baby's Day Out

Mamta...ek gehra sukhi ahsaas! Phoolon sa komal, kaliyon sa nazuk...jisme chupa hai nari ke astitva ka raaz! Mere rajdulaare par koi aanch na aane paye! Taaron si roshan uski nanhi aankhein, resham si komal twacha, sangeet se madhur uski hasi...maa banne ka ye anokha abhaas!

Oh please, cut the crap!

The fact that so many women earn to conceive, carry, give birth and coo over a baby, according to me, is a sham of exponential proportions! And no, I'm not rambling, I have a well based theory. This shishu moh maya is nothing but a conspiracy of:

1) corporate moguls: who want to make big bucks out of baby care products/ crèches/ schooling/ college/ baby clothing/ baby albums/ baby stationery/ baby bags and suitcases/ baby shoes and footwear/ baby accessories/ baby sport equipments/ baby gadgets/ baby apps/ baby make-up/ baby jewellery/ mamy poco pants ^_^ (I love the tune), etc, etc.

2) ancient aunties: who have figures now struck by gravity and obesity, whose teenage kid is an animal already and who can't bear that you lead a curse-free life and thus lure you with the joys of motherhood, when they are actually plotting against you. Dear innocent young woman, if you would only perk up your ears a bit, you could hear their malevolent laughter inside their brains. “Wuhahahaha” is how it goes L

3) miscellaneous: husbands, peer group, tumhare apne maa-baap, in-laws, out-laws, over-laws, under-laws, on-laws, at-laws, for-laws, to-laws, by-laws and all other prepositions of the English language are shareholders of this conspiracy.

To increase your knowledge, here is a list of a number of disadvantages of having kids:

1) They are a costly investment.

2) They do not guarantee returns.

3) They outgrow clothes very quickly.

4) They embarrass you while still being cute.

5) They never like what you cook.

6) At the age of eight, they think the neighbour is prettier than you.

7) Most importantly, at the age of five, they think the neighbour’s daughter ought to be their girlfriend.

As is obvious, my criticism has rock solid foundation. And trust me, I would have kept my cynicism to myself had God not been so obstinate…

Let me give you an example.

One day in the metro, I happened to grab a seat next to an extremely adorable baby girl, who was hardly an year old. This is the exchange that took place.

Baby: buaabhuah hab ubu

Me: (blank expression)

Baby: (while pouncing me with her rather sharp nails) aabibu ooueee kasha mimimi

Me: (startled; require assistance)

Baby: (proceeds to tear the book that I had and laughs the charming baby laughter) ahaaa

ghaaaa aha aha aghaa haha

Me: (now shaken and alarmed, keep book inside bag)

Baby: (the war cry of victory) aaarhhhghhh!

All the women eyed the object of affection with undying love, as if she had performed a miracle by tearing my book apart. To add insult to injury, one woman grew disgusted at me for not showing suitable adoration! What can I say…nobody cares for victims such as me L

As luck would have it, the same baby and her mom also de-boarded at the same station as me. And since she had a very heavy bag, she thrusted over the baby in my arms until her husband came into view.

Well, she thanked me and left and all of that, but I was left wondering, why does God do this to me again and again? It is like Lewis Carroll's famous riddle from Alice in Wonderland that was meant to have no answer at all..."why does a raven look like a writing desk?"...

Why indeed!

Until later, Cuidate!

Mehr calls me Shin Chan, and therefore this is my kid (according to her)!

PS:-

@ my future kid: This is all lies! I don't hate kids! I've been trapped! It's a conspiracy! Blogomania made me do it for cash! Mommy loves you <3

Vote for me now!

How To Make A Business Plan

The newly-hatched-ones of India, inspired and perspired in their quest to stand on their own webbed feet, are often attracted by the idea of self-employment. But, but, but! Fundamentals are the building blocks of fun. Today I, Rupaiya the Rooster, am here to teach the newly-hatched-ones how to make a business plan.

RECOGNISE OPPORTUNITY

It is vital to keep your chicken eyes open to any opportunity that helps you to earn a quick buck. Chori, dakaiti, loot, chhal-kapat, conning are some of the rampant examples. Religious festivals are also popular amongst emerging entrepreneurs. Karva Chauth is the perfect amalgamation of religious, romantic and family markets.

CREATE DEMAND

You cannot sell your product or services until there is any demand for it. And dear chickens, Rupaiya the Rooster says that "if there is no want, thou ought to create it!" For instance, your mom has to have henna patterns drawn on her hands for the ceremony of Karva Chauth. An intelligent chicken creates demand by having her stuck in the kitchen and not giving her the time to go to the market and get it done. And hey presto! Now your mom is begging you to rachao mehendi in her pretty hands ;)

RESOURCE MANAGEMENT

The identification, procurement and management of resources is the next big step in any business set-up. Continuing with our case study: the resource here is henna, and it looks like gobar to you. There are two options: 1) gobar 2) henna. Arranging gobar will include transportation and cleaning costs. Second option may be procured by your own money, or your mom's money. If mom has the mehendi cone, the choice is made infinitely easy, dear chickens!

HINT PRICE

Finance is the soul of any business (Duh..!). Now the important step here is to hint the prices and not establish the prices. Consider this: You: "Maa, main toh 100 Rs lungi"

Mom: "Thappad marungi".

Do NOT take the discussion any further. Laugh lightly and drop the matter.

ARRANGE SUPPLY

Agreed that you were a champion of making your claw-prints in nursery with water colours, but that won't help you when it comes to making money in a mehendi business. Chick, you need a pic! Google an easy enough design and you're all set to draw an amazing design on your pretty mom's pretty hands!!

EXTRACT PAYMENT

Googling does not mean you will be able to replicate the design with its exact intricacies. Obviously, in reality v/s expectations, reality wins, ALWAYS. But worry not! That's none of your concern :D The trick is to deposit the henna bullshit on one hand and then to establish that the payment of your services is 100 Rs. After covering the other hand with the henna-shit, you establish that the payment of your services is Rs 100 for each hand. Then you proceed to extract that amount from mom's purse while she sits there helpless covered in ugly henna patterns (drawn by you, of course).

my mom's hand, with my design

RESULT

Now you are rich! These were the basics of EconoMess, oops, Economy. Rupaiya the Rooster shall come back, dear chickens!, with more tricks on earning a quick buck, same blog, same URL!

Until later, Cuidate!

Vote for me now!

Pyara Phatka

Ye maarmik gaatha hai uss ladki ki jise har holiday par apne pyare furniture ki dusting karni padti hai. Pathakon se anurodh hai ki iss dukh bhari gaatha ko padhkar we royein nahi!

( This is the heart-wrenching story of the girl who has to dust the immense beloved furniture on holidays, no matter what. Readers are requested not to cry after reading this sad story!)

Phatke! Mere pyare phatke!

Tu meri nazron mein khatke

Mere har weekend ki har subah

Tujh par he aakar hai atke!

Sardi kadake ki ho ya garmi sakht

Ya chahe ho pareeksha ka waqt

Mere hath mein phir bhi latke

Tu hamesha, o mere pyare phatke!

Ek pyari lazy holiday ki subah ka maza

Tujhe dekhte he khaye jhatke

Aur itne sare bhari bharkam furniture se

Mere gale ne kai sookhe ghoont hain gatke!

Sahastra saalon (years) ka sisila ye

Ki maine aur kuch na seekha siwa tere, phatke!

Perfect-Woman-Crash-Course mein hum kaise badhein aage

jab hum tum sada saath he satkein!

Par tu toh sala mast maula hai

Kamine tujhe kya fark padta hai

Mere dard...meri taqleef ko dekhkar

Tu harami BC khushi se matke!

Lekin aisa bhi aega ek din

Jab tere kardungi main tukde!

Aur sojaungi rajai taankar

Chahe furniture bane kachde ke dabbe!

Until later, Cuidate!

Vote for me now!

Studying Engineering...

...by drawing poop cartoons during lectures

Vote for me now!

The Waltz

Disheartened, disillusioned, dis-anchored

Until you gathered me up in your arms

And started a slow dance, my very first

And yours too, I guess, waltzing together

Moving slowly, at peace, soaking in the warmth

Requiring no music

The rhythm set listening to your heartbeat

Engulfed in love abound

And then came the realization:

My roots are with you...

Vote for me now!